Staying in Relationships Thinking the Other Person Will Change…Now What?
In romantic relationships, the hope that someone will change is incredibly common, and very human. Here’s the why:
We fall in love with potential, not just reality. Early connection, chemistry, and shared dreams can make us focus on who someone could be rather than who they consistently are.
Love activates optimism and attachment. Attachment bonds naturally create hope. Our nervous system prefers security over loss, so we hold onto the idea that change will come rather than face the pain of disappointment or separation.
We confuse influence with control. Healthy relationships do involve growth and compromise, but that can slide into the belief that love, patience, or suffering will eventually motivate change in areas that are actually character-based or deeply ingrained.
Familiar patterns feel safer than unfamiliar outcomes. Even dissatisfaction can feel safer than the uncertainty of leaving—especially if someone grew up adapting to others or earning love by tolerating discomfort.
Cultural narratives reinforce it. We’re taught that love “fixes,” that commitment means endurance, and that leaving equals failure rather than discernment.
Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It means clearly seeing who someone is right now, and asking: Can I live peacefully with this if it never changes? If the answer is no, the work isn’t to force acceptance—it’s to honor that truth. Real intimacy grows when we choose people for who they are, not who we hope they’ll become.
Here are practical ways to shift your inner narration and cultivate acceptance of your partner—without abandoning your own needs or values (unless the situation is unsafe or abusive):
1. Separate “preferences” from “deal-breakers”
Narration shift: “I don’t like this” to… “This is uncomfortable, but not unsafe or violating.”
2. Replace fantasy with reality statements
Narration shift: “They would be perfect if…” to… “This is who they are today, consistently.”
3. Translate irritation into meaning
Ask: What does this trigger in me; fear, unmet needs, old wounds?
Narration shift: “They’re the problem” to… “This brings up something important in me.”
4. Use compassion without justification
Narration shift: “They shouldn’t be this way” to… “I can understand why they’re this way, without agreeing or excusing.”
5. Practice present-tense acceptance language
Use phrases like: “This is what’s here right now.” or… “I don’t have to solve this today.”
6. Stop future-bargaining
Narration shift: “Once X happens, then I’ll be okay” to… “If nothing changes, how do I feel about this life?”
7. Name your choice clearly
Narration shift: “I’m stuck” to… “I am choosing to stay for now, with eyes open.”
Choice restores agency and reduces resentment
8. Practice grief, not resistance
Acceptance often requires grieving the partner you hoped for.
Narration shift: “This shouldn’t hurt” to… “Of course this hurts.”
9. Anchor acceptance in boundaries
Narration shift: “I have to accept everything” to… “I accept who they are and I choose how close I stand.”
10. Use curiosity over judgment.
Narration shift: “They’re wrong” to… “This is different from me—what does that mean for us?”